Now we know that we never knew

This is one of my new favorite quotes. I heard someone read it at Michael Jackson's funeral. It was written by one of my favorite people, Maya Angelou. I've followed Ms. Angelou for a while. Not like Oprah, up close and personal, but from a distance. Not just a fan of her writing but a fan of her woman-hood, her ability to be graceful and smoother than pudding - no matter the circumstance. She amazes me. And the older she gets, the more graceful she grows. Then she says something like this: "now we know that we never knew".

We really never know, do we? I mean we try and guess, try to grasp different situations. We try to judge others, examine their motives, assign will to their actions. But we really never know. Did I help that lady at church because I wanted to help that lady at church? Or did I do it because I got paid too? Or did I help her because by helping her I somehow felt better about myself? And does it really matter? She got the help, right?

These are the sorts of impossible things that occupy my mind lately. What do I really know? And how am I sure I know it?

I was 100% certain I was in love with my college sweetheart. And although I was a jealous freak when we dated; that all fell away on our wedding day. I knew that "forever" meant forever and that no matter what, we would make it. Turns out that I never knew. I never even considered the women he was friends with were somehow a threat to my marriage. No girl on girl crime here. He wouldn't do that. He had a different definition of forever evidently, one that included being with various women friends over the course of our marriage. And in my ignorance, or my choice to ignore, I stayed with it/him for a long time. Because I just KNEW it couldn't be. Well turns out that I now know that I never knew.

Same thing for the churches I worked for. In both cases they advertised to be "different"; somehow above all the politics and religion of "those other churches" and religions. So I put 100% into that as well. I served God with all I had, or did I? Did I do it because it was my job? Well, who knows but the short version of the very long story is that in both cases the leaders were beyond corrupt (just like all those other churches) and again, I now know that I never knew.

Well, maybe the point is to accept Ms. Angelou's assessment. We never really know...so embrace it. Just do what you do for the reason you do it...and try to make the world a better place. We'll never know anyway, right?

Stronger or Broken?

Well, this is my first attempt at blogging. I've always sucked at journaling, so we will see how this goes. I was inspired today by the movie Julie & Julia and thought I'd give this a try. So many random thoughts go through my head, so this gives me a place to deposit some of them. I have been told I'm eccentric so there will be a lot of random "musing" to follow. So for today let's start with my favorite quote:

"Life breaks everyone; but some grow back stronger in the broken places." Ernest Hemingway

As a counselor I believe, I have to believe, that this is true. I've never been one to fall for stereotypes or quick answers. But lately I've started to doubt that anyone really comes out of life actually living. I mean does it really do any good -- the job I do? I work with severely abused children and adolescents and I wonder if they will ever "make it" whatever that means. Isn't it true that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree? What if people just continue the cycle they were born into? What if instead of bitter or better, most people just become bitter. But I have to believe...

Getting a little jaded lately, but then I ran into some friends at dinner that typify this quote. Both were abandoned and abused by their families of origin. Yet they found each other, have three beautiful children and continue to experience the grace and blessings of God. They truly have grown stronger in the broke places. More on this thought later.

And then I remember the friends who I've been blessed to see become "better" and stronger in the broken places. I remembered the "chips" I've given in various AA or NA meetings to those friends...testimonies I've heard at CR meetings...examples I've seen through friends. So for now, I will continue to choose to believe.